I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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