I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
