i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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