I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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