god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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