tequila makes me forget i have legs
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
