I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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