I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My cat gives me a boner
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just want to make out with him forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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