My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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