Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
