There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
