So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
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She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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