I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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