I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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