I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
