i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You brought string cheese to the strip club
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
