i already hear my dad disowning me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
