I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
