Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
