Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
