The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
