those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think my mom watched the whole time
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You need Xanax blowdarts
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
