Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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