I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
