i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
