did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
