I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
