fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
