This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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