I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
