moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
