hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
