Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
