the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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