respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Randomize
