you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my being single is dangerous.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
