im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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