So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
