He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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