He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
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We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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