I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
