I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
