I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
