Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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