dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
