I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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