I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
