Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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