I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Boobs speak an international language.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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