do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
