Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
