positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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