another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
