Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He passed out mid-signature
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
