Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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