the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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