Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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