tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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