Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I understand Curling. That high.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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