There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
