do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
